I love you

I woke early this morning (4:00 am) to the sound of Joshua yelling “Jacoba” in his sleep.  Fortunately everyone else slept through it and all is quiet on the home front now.  But I lay there unable to go back to sleep wondering what he yelled out.  95% of the time he speaks  Lugandan, but he understands most English. (we just have to remember to speak slowly, because although he is used to English, it is with with a thick Ugandan accent).  Anyway I lay there wondering what did he just say, is he o.k.? What was happening in his little brain while he sleeps, how was his subconscious processing all that is happening to him? He seems to be doing remarkably well and adjusting with few bumps in the road. But he must have so many questions that he is unable to articulate. We are praying that God gives him a peace that surpasses all understanding during this transition.  

My first words to him at the orphanage were “I love you” and we have all repeated those words to him a million times a day.  I am not sure if he knows what we are saying but he is hearing it ALL THE TIME.  Last night while we were cooking dinner he popped his head in the kitchen and yelled “Mama!” and then as soon as I look over, he hid behind the door laughing in hysterics.  He wanted to play peek a boo and it was game on!  He’d peek around the corner yell “Mama!”, I’d gasp in surprise  and yell back with a big smile “I love you!”, hiding and hysterics to follow each time… that is until he peeked his head around the corner and yelled “Mama! I love you!”  My gasp of surprise was 110% genuine this time  as I got on my knees, grabbed him in my arms, and with tears in my eyes, I kissed his face and said “I love you too baby.”  Now, it was clear that I had abruptly put a stop to one of the most exciting games of all time and the look on his face said “are you done? Cuz I’d like to get back to the business of our game now.”   Although I know very well that he had no idea what he was saying to me, he said it nonetheless, “mama, I love you.” and it was amazing to hear!  That moment will forever be etched in my heart. 

Now about 20 min later he toddled back into the kitchen where Nana and I were cooking and touched the knobs on the stove.  I said “No touching Joshua. Owie!”   He laughed and did it again.  I firmly said it again “No Joshua!” and I pointed to the knob.   He laughed hesitantly and touched it again.  Much firmer I said “No touching Joshua. No No.” Then he looked at me with such determination in his eyes, as if to say “Bring it lady! I plan to win this battle” and reached out and touched it again. I wanted to stop and explain that he has 4 older siblings who have tried this and failed each time.  They all have wills of iron and yet mommy and daddy’s wills are always stronger.  I wanted to say “Sweet boy, you can attempt to overpower and bully your parents but you will never win.  Therefore, life would be significantly easier if we could just establish right now that we are in charge and avoid any future battles.”  But unfortunately he is 2 years old and too much would be lost in translation anyway.  So I attempted the next best solution.  I grabbed his hand that was touching the stove and squeezed it.  I looked him in the eye, not 3 inches from his face, and again firmly said “No.”   What happened next reminded me of those little handheld toys that I got as a child. You know the ones where you push the button under the standing animal and the whole thing collapses at every joint. And as soon as you release the button the animal springs back into its original form.  Remember those?  Well, that was my son, a pile of collapsed limbs on the floor, like a mess of Jello, wailing at the top of his lungs.  I thought “Well, looks like the honeymoon is over.  Here we go!”  (note: we allow our children to be sad and disappointed when they are punished, who wouldn’t be?  But they are not allowed to throw tantrums and collapse in the middle of the room to scream at the injustice if life.)  All I could see was a little mini Nelly Olson on the floor (minus the blond ringlets) and I said “Not my child”. So I scooped him up and put him on a chair in the other room and walked away.  More wailing followed, which again, is illegal in our house because the intent is to punish others by making them uncomfortable by your screams.   I gave him a minute to try and control himself, but as the screams got louder I went back in and said “Enough.”  He instantly stopped crying and I squatted down with open arms.  He hesitantly came to me and I kissed him on the cheek and said “I love you Joshua, no touching the stove.” He looked at me with a huge grin and hugged my neck.  We were friends again and it was a fairly quick lesson on “who’s the boss”.  A few minutes later he came back into the kitchen and pointed at the knobs on the stove and said “No.”  I smiled and said “Good boy, no touching.” He smiled with pride and the he was off to play with his siblings.   Oh, if only it could be this easy 14 years from now!